Thursday, April 26, 2012

We Had An Intruder

last night.

It was around 2:55am
scratch that
it was 2:55am
because I rocketed out of bed and looked at the clock and saw that it was in fact exactly 2:55am.

And by "rocketed out of bed"
I mean I sat up bleary eyed and glanced at the clock.
And then I laid back down. 

But then I heard it again.
That noise.
A cross between something falling
and something being shuffled around.

So I did what all normal people do.

I laid there.

Eyes wide open.
Waiting to hear the noise again
so I could
ya know
better formulate my plan of attack
which I'm pretty sure would have involved lipstick, acne cream and a hairbrush as they were the defense mechanisms currently available to me. 

What I did not do
is what people do in the movies.
They always, always
go down to the basement to investigate.
And that's when they always, always
get slayed in some awful manner.

So I didn't go down to the basement.

Nor do we actually have a basement.
Which was incredibly helpful in that no-basement-going decision. 

Instead I laid in bed
waiting to be slayed in some awful manner
because that's better than the basement?
I dunno. 

And as I was counting down my last minutes of life a few things occurred to me

1. We live on a pretty heavily fortified military installation.
2. These peoples have guns...big, big guns.
3. I wonder if instead of protecting us they are playing cards or watching TubeYou which is why there is now an intruder in our home about to slay me in some awful manner.
4. I wonder what Jesus will look like when I see His face in a few minutes.

And then I heard it.
That noise again.

And it was then that I realized it was more of a Jack grinding his teeth at night sound
and it sounded like it was coming from somewhere around our bed.
So I ever so slightly picked my head up
(as to not startle the intruder, pffft duh.)
and looked on the floor.
And it was then in my bleary-eyed sleep fog that I saw Jack lying there on the floor.


I am not about to perish.

It is just Jack grinding his teeth.

Oh happy day.

So as I settled back under my covers convinced I would live to see another day I heard it again,
louder and different this time
and as I sat up a little more alarmed and a lot more awake I realized....

that's not Jack lying on the floor next to my bed
that is the pile of clean laundry that I shoved off the bed last night and did not fold and put away like a good lil housewife. Jack is in fact sleeping soundly in his bed down the hall.

Oh dear.

There actually is an intruder.

Cue adrenaline and flight instinct. 

It is now 3:17am.

But the more I lay in wait
the more and more
and ever more
convinced I became that it wasn't an intruder of the human variety
but rather a mouse
or worse
a squirrel.

I haven't seen any mice here
but squirrels?
Well, they are a plenty.

And I heard it again,
munch munch munch
and again

It just simply must be a squirrel.
Though of course that makes absolutely no logical sense to me sitting here
well caffeinated, wide awake, in broad daylight at 12:10 pm
it made perfect sense in the dead of night. Justsoyaknow. 


It was then that I figured I had two options:

1. Wait for the squirrel to pounce out of it's current position and impale it's tiny little claws into my face circa Chevy Chase and the Christmas tree scene


2. Get up, close the door behind me, stuff a towel under the door so it couldn't get out, and go sleep on the futon and deal with said squirrel issue in the morning.

I would be remiss at this part of the story if I did not mention the fact that my husband was soundly sleeping next to me during this whole ordeal.
And that yes,
part of Plan B was to leave John asleep in the bed, barricaded in the room with the rabid squirrel while I sought refuge outside the danger zone.
And yes,
I still chose Plan B.

And yes, I am an awful, awwwwful person. 

Judge me.
Hate me.
Love me.
Loathe me.
I, apparently, have a strong sense of personal preservation.


I gathered my strength
took my courage
left my dignity at the door
{because you cannot possibly bring your dignity with you when you are leaving your husband behind to survive on his own.....asleep}
grabbed my pillow and tip toed out the door to execute Plan B.

I got out into the hallway
closed the door behind me
and that's when I saw it.
A pile of Tim.
A ripped,
unrecognizable pile of what used to be Tim. 

That be'd Tim Tebow of course. 
use to be Tim Tebow.

It used to look like this

and now
it doesn't.
And all that munching, scraping, ripping, sound?
Was Tim extricating himself from the wall of the hallway right outside my bedroom door.

and slightly ashamed that I was really willing to let my hubs die by squirrel death
I happily pranced right back to bed and was back asleep in just under 10.4 seconds.

The end. 

I hope you all don't think less of me.

Heck, I think less of me.
Never mind.


  1. Simply AWESOME! Love it!!! Love your candid openness!

  2. Oh Sonia! You are crazy. So glad you didn't fall for that "go to the non-existent basement and see what it is" routine. :) However, as a military wife, I have to say you missed a perfect opportunity to repay all those nights when our hubbies are gone and the kids wake you up and you are alone to figure it out. (Like me last night, but that's another story.) WAKE UP that man and appeal to his ego to save you from whatever it is, while you fall back asleep and wait for him to figure it out!!! Come on girl!

  3. When I lived in Florida we had atleast two squirrel encounters. One chewed through the ceiling in our bedroom and we could see it poking it's nose through the hole just itching to get inside. That hole got patched. Then another one burrowed through the ceiling and became trapped between the walls. We could hear it struggling to escape. Our maintenance guys had a hard time finding it and actually suggested we wait until it dies because they are easier to find when they start to smell. Hope you can sleep and don't encouter any determined squirrels.

  4. Way, way, way funny!!!!

    Cracking up here!


    My dog is wondering why I am laughing my head off.....

  5. I'm with Lisa on this one...wake the man up and let him save you!!

    So glad to know that I am not the only one that wakes with every bump in the night and lets my imagination runs wild!


  6. Betcha don't hunt vampires at night in high heels, either!!!! Cause, you are smart like that, My Friend!!
    When I was a kid (and still, when I get the chance...) I always made my sister sleep closest to the bedroom door, that way, if anybody or ANYTHING burst into our room in the middle of the night it would fold, spindle and or mutilate my sister first, giving me time to get away!!!

  7. You just crack me up! Thanks for the laugh!

  8. HA! I love it! A bat got in our bedroom during the night 3 kids ago. I snuck out and barricaded myself into the kids' room leaving my husband to deal with that creepy bat. Self-preservation.

  9. Oh my goodness, I giggled through this whole thing!!

  10. You totally make me laugh and i love it!!!! :) live on base right? Just sayin' because sometimes I will be there for a certain cute someone who has appointments or something. Oh and he got his ID card- is sooo cute. :)

  11. Heehee hmm leaving him to a rabid squirrel is probably better than my method of a strong kick to the kidney to get him to wake up

  12. Sniff. Sniff. I'm wiping the tears away from my eyes as I write this. Oh, my! This was just too hilarious!!! Plan B, honey! I'm with you all the way!

  13. This post- other than offering me a gut wrenching 20 minutes of laughter- reminds me why I love your funny self so much!!! Just turn on my fan and wake me up when it's over!!!

  14. This post- other than offering me a gut wrenching 20 minutes of laughter- reminds me why I love your funny self so much!!! Just turn on my fan and wake me up when it's over!!!

  15. So so darn funny. Oh my word. You crack me up. So very glad you are back blogging!!!

  16. Sonia~Once when we lived on base in Texas, we DID have the squirrel encounter! Though it was in broad daylight (and hubby was at work), it was still a "what do about the intruder" experience! Then, there was the time we had the opossum DIE under the house (different house, same base). But, I digress.....what made Tim decide to extricate himself from the wall in the middle of the night and is he salvageable? (:
    Thanks for the story. btw, I met someone on the playground last week that knows you from ACSC.

  17. Come on...who ripped up Tim...! You my dear friend crack me up!!!!

  18. LOL!! I am so glad I stopped by today. You have no idea how much I needed this BIG BELLY laugh...out myself reading your blog...