Tuesday, July 3, 2012

My Heartbreak

I managed to fumble my way through my post on NHBO today while choking back tears.
It's a question that has been burning in my heart
and turning over and over and over again in my mind.

I can't shake it.
Can't answer it.
Can't get over it.

So hopeful that you all like minded people will have some insight.
SO hoping.

You can check it out right here.


  1. Sonia, When I came home with our son (2nd adoption - 4th child) I too felt I needed to do more, to help those babies left behind. I felt helpless, and guilty.
    Then I remember a small program that had been affiliated with my daughters orphanage called Gracie's Room First Hugs program. I asked if I could help - help the children in some way through this organization. More than just sponsoring a child, I needed to be hands on. I am now the Director of Gracie's Room, and I travel to China every 6 months to 1 year for 2 weeks, helping the children in our program. It is a very small program, and we are in an orphanage that had almost no adoptions, and whose infant death rate was out of control, but now that has decreased, in the director's words "the babies aren't dying anymore". There is still so much work to do, with them, teaching them proper feeding for CL/CP babies, for example. But I can be hands on, helping more than 1 baby at a time, witness them being adopted, and getting healthy! I like that this a small program, and that I can be on board while it grows. I am so thankful. We still need so much help, and anyone wanting to (sonia..hint hint.. please, please contact me!!
    Krista Dolan
    Director Gracie's Room First Hugs Program

  2. Sonia...I sooo get what you are saying. My house is full, too, yet I long to do more for those that still need help. I loved reading the comment from Krista! There are so many ways we can help. We just have to trust that God will show us what He wants from us on an individual basis. Love your heart!!

  3. THANK YOU! I am not standing exact where you are as I am not done. 3 and hopefully 4 are currently in process but people always ask why, are you trying to be Angelina Jolie? I hate those comments thanks for putting into words why we do what we do.

  4. I am flat on my face in front of God asking the same exact questions. We survived four complicated, ugly, hard adoptions. But we could do more. I know we could. We have room for more. I know we do. But I'm scared. So I just...don't.

  5. took the words right out of my mouth-- and that's why there is a Noah and a Matthew-- and even though SIX!!!?? is alot- my word-- that question of how in the world can I not? is always there-- had I closed my heart and remained in my comfort zone-- where would Noah and Matthew be right now?

  6. Hmmmm.....I would like to laugh and say that is why we have 9....and probably more eventually. ;)

    But in all honesty. I think this is a very good question....one that I am plagued by too! After all.....others doubt my capabilities all the time- I know I do!!!

    Today I posted a blog on a book called Anything...the prayer that unlocked my God and my Soul by Jennie Allen. I can honestly say there are times when I would like to run and hide and say- ummm...God you got the wrong person!!!

    But if we honestly pray Anything God- we in essence give HIM everything. In the book she honestly over time of course offers all she has....her home...and empty bed....finances....resources....etc. I think we all have to do this. Offer it! The answer may be a no- you are meant to advocate and pray on their behalf. Or it may be YES- this child needs YOUR FAMILY!

    That may not help, but I truly believe that God answers our prayers with HIS timing to help us grow in whatever way we need to grow. May not always look pretty, may not be popular, may not be easy- oh what am I saying we stopped doing easy long time ago.

    **Side note I love the comment you know what causes that don't you? My response - ummm yes the orphan crisis- have you heard? There are over 163 MILLION ORPHANS! I believe it is time for us all to get out of our comfort zones and start opening our eyes to the many who go without clean water or food....and then of course I go into a long tangent- just to get some really great stares ;) he he he he.....

  7. Sonia
    There are so many of us who KNOW what you are feeling and going thru!
    BUT, when we are tapped out, and we know, for now, we are done, it is time to HELP in any ways we can-advocate, donate, fundraise, pray, donate some more-joing organizations, pledge monthly moneys to help.
    I so feel the same way-and KNOW that I can not handle any more at the moment-feeling totally inadequate for all the cognitive and speech issues we have-no, kids aren't dying from these, but they are remaining familyless due to these issues-YET, I know, it is enough for my family at this time-and I will do all I can to help other families that are able to move forward-
    In Him

  8. Sonia, dear friend whom I told in China you would never be the same after adopting Jacob and Joey. But what I didn't expect is for you to become a heart eavesdropper as you have just read my heart and so eloquently put it in words. Adoption is the result of hubby and I being forever changed by the gospel. We didn't adopt because we didn't have enough kids already. We didn't adopt because it would make us like Angelina (as I always tell others she copied us since our oldest is older than hers). We adopted because He placed it on our hearts and we obeyed.

    I see so many kids that I would love to adopt, but without the issues of an already full minivan and kids already sharing rooms and childcare fees I think I have finally realized that I have met my limit with ten kids! I don't enjoy feeling like I do anything well at all anymore and sure I can say that for five of them life is sure better than where they would be had they not been adopted, but I want more time with each of them. I want more time to share the love of Christ with them. I want to serve Him with them by my side without feeling stressed over being spread too thin.

    At times I say "what's one more at this point?" but I find myself more often thinking "I have met my limit." Never before did the paperwork seem daunting to me, NOW it does. Never before did I say I have met my limit, but NOW I feel that way.

    It is so hard when you know their faces, know their names and know their stories not to do more! My prayer is that God will use me (and hubby) in a capacity that furthers His kingdom and restores lives of orphans and I am open to whatever that may look like even if it means another adoption. What I know is HE will make it crystal clear on what is next in His time, not mine!

  9. Wow. Just wow. Amazing post. I have been struggling with the very same questions. Praying that God will lead me in the direction he would have our family to go and that we would simply listen and be obedient.

    I love your heart and your open honesty.

    Many blessings to your precious family!

  10. Sonia, as always your words have resonated in my heart. I loved Leslie's response on the NHBO blog--great insights. I am trusting that God will clearly lead and guide, and Inpray for a heart soft and willing enough to be obedient whether it it to stop or to go. I know He will make it clear to you...I praise Him for your passion and your humility.