so much
well....
different.
Different than Jacob and Joey's.
Because this time around
I'm feelin it.
I feel the fear.
It threatens to seize me daily.
Will we reach him in time?
Will the doctors firm warnings about possible brain damage from his chronically low oxygen levels be true?
Will he recover?
Will he be operable?
Will he survive an operation?
Will there be complications?
Will he have a stroke before we arrive due to his ridiculously high hemoglobin levels?
Will our lives be all about the PICU for days?
Weeks?
Months?
Will we reach him in time?
Will we reach him in time?
Will we reach him in time?
Fear.
It grips me.
And I'm not gonna lie.
It's a battle.
A daily battle.
Jacob & Joey's adoptions were so much more about
what cute pj's I could send them in their care package,
when I might get some new pictures of them
should I have sent them the spider man puzzle instead of toy story? .
But this go round?
I am consumed with,
"Lord keep that heart beating."
"Lord thin out that blood."
"Lord let us love him."
Fear.
I look at pictures like this that were taken about the time he became paper ready for adoption
and I think to myself.......what if we had reached him then?
Years ago.
What if
What if
What if.
Obviously each case of adoption brings it's own joys and struggles.
You worry whether your new baby will take a bottle from you.
You worry whether your toddler will throw a knock down drag out tantrum upon meeting you.
You worry whether your older child will accept you.
You worry whether your dying child will survive until you arrive.
Worry.
It comes with the adoptive territory.
But it's overcoming that worry and fear that is critical.
I tend to visit the fear and worry
but I don't live there.
I don't snuggle up on it's sofa with a cup of tea and let it speak to me.
No.Thank.You.
I'd rather sit on Someone else's sofa and let Him speak to me.
and let Him pour out his peace and His wisdom that He has gone before us in this.
He knows.
I don't.
And you know what?
That's fine with me.
Faith
replaces
fear.
It overtakes it
it destroys it
it beats the ever lovin snot out of it.
And because of that
I rest.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
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Amen Sister...Amen.
ReplyDeleteExactly sweetheart. Through Him you.can.do.this. :)
ReplyDeleteI lurk here often--I love following your journey. Decided to comment today because this post just touched me. I love that you only 'visit' with the fear! So true! In times of struggle, I often have to make a minute to minute recommitment to surrender my fear. I surrender it and then it creeps back in. Surrender, creep, repeat, repeat!
ReplyDeleteYou WILL make it in time, God's time!
Elle
Sonia, thanks so much for sharing your heart here. I'll be praying that God gives you supernatural faith and rest, in Him.
ReplyDeleteI really needed to hear this today so thank you. It is amazing what God can do and he lead you to Joshua for a reason which could only be a good reason for you the family and that precious child. You, the family, and him continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI've been in a panic mode lately and realized that I had some of the same fears when I was pregnant. Fear of the unknown. I love: "Faith replaces fear." Thank goodness these boys are named Joshua. "Fear not" said the Lord.
ReplyDeleteOnce again friend "tears"! We pray for you and your sweet family! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am ON MY KNEES for Joshua.
I think you should give us (your fan club) a weekly prayer list for you, your family, Joshua- whatever it takes to get that baby home!!!
Much love to you.
Dear Sonia--I thank you so much for your kind post on our blog and for taking time to read about sweet Daniel. I hope you don't mind that I've added your beautiful blog on my list of "Blogs I Love". I adore your writing style and look so forward to joining your journey.
ReplyDeleteAs for "Fear" that can consume if we allow it to, I absolutely love that you are able to replace it with Faith. That is exactly what you must do, even in uncertain circumstances. Move ahead doing God's work and following His signs and following your hearts. Do not question the "what if?" (sometimes easier said than done). Timing is all part of the plan. I can't wait to see Joshua in your arms:)
Love,
Lisa Murphy
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ReplyDeleteYour prayers are heard by the One who created little Joshua John. He will hold him, protect him and keep him safe 'til you get to him...and forever. God knows and through Him...'cause he has called you to this...you CAN do it. {{{hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteSonia, your post had a lot of my very own thoughts in it. I am Kelli's mother, who Erica and Todd are also helping with their book. She as mestastic breast cancer and I love the way you said, "I only visit the fear!" And I realized that is exactly what I allow myself to do. I've tried to explain to people how if I let myself I could take up homestead there, but choose not to. I will pray that God keeps his hand of protection on this child that you already love until you can reach him and bring him home. One of my favorite sayings that helps me a lot is "LET GO AND LET GOD". as parents, or potential parents that is hard to do as you know. I marvel at what you and your husband are doing for the children in your lives. Keep up the faith!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you've ever read, "The Hiding Place," by Corrie ten Boom. It's one of my favorite books ever. In it, Corrie asks her father, "What if...?" He turns, looks at her gently, and answers, "There are no what ifs in God's vocabulary." That phrase carries me sometimes.
ReplyDelete